The Girl Inside (7)
July 17, 2011
Why does everything have to be that complicated? Why don’t things just go smoothly?! I used to blame everybody around me and i still do. But now i know it’s me who has the clue to everything but um afraid to use it. He is a great guy, not perfect though. But who’s perfect?! Um sure he loves me so much and um sure he’s ready to do anything for me to be happy. I believe all what he says and i know he is the best guy i’ve ever met. But um still afraid.
Before i used to be afraid of not finding the right guy. Now um afraid of the new life that i never imagined. I used to dream about my fairy tale like all girls do. But i’ve just discovered that we, girls, have never gone through any details of this fairy tale. It’s just like a dream that when we wake up we don’t remember any pictures or names, we just get so many feelings inside us. We just dream of a great guy and a great happy life but without even outlines for this great picture. And that’s why we remain afraid.
Sometimes i hear a soft voice calling my name and telling me “This is your fairy tale, just go on and enjoy” and some other times i become too rational like i’ve never been and think about things that i’ve never thought of and try to keep away of this voice that’s calling me and i manage to do that. But then the same voice comes back and says “Nobody will bring a ready-made fairy tale for you. Go and make your own”. When i hear this i can’t bear to keep away and i surrender to my deep feelings that keep saying “I love him so much”
It doesn’t make much of a difference whether the question is “Am i going to find the right guy?” or “Am i ready for getting married?”. There will always be a question with a missing answer and i will always be afraid. So either i will surrender to this and remain afraid for the rest of my life or i will just follow the feelings um sure of and leave anything else behind. I know you would definitely say i must go for the second one. But believe me it’s not that easy at all. You just don’t understand. I came back to the word i always say: “You just don’t understand” … But today i have something to add: “You just don’t understand … And i don’t know”
I’m getting old … So what?!
I’m afraid, not depressed.
I LOVE YOU
